Searching In The Darkness

Now I know I did an update the other day just to say that I hadn’t abandoned this blog and I stated that I had been very busy. Well in all honesty there was another reason why I have been absent from here for a long time and the reason is because I lost myself.

I went through a time last summer where I became very lost and unsure of myself. I tried to make myself happy by forcing myself into life, I met someone and I forced myself to give things a go as I was sure that was what I needed to do in order to be happy again. Unfortunately it was not and as it turns out was more of a rebound relationship for me, as much as I hate to admit it.

After that ended I found that I fell deeper into darkness, I hated being around my friends as most are in happy relationships and have children and I just couldn’t be happy for them, as awful as it sounds. I didn’t want to be near my family, again for similar reasons. I lost all hope of ever being happy again but I still had enough of me left to realise that I needed help.

I sought help and for a while I didn’t think that would help either, but like a cartoon light bulb moment everything clicked into place and I began to feel better, I wasn’t wholly myself but it was a start and I enjoy that for as long as I could.

However, recently it has become clear again that I still have not found myself and I am struggling to stay happy. I think as silly as it sounds as it has been two years I’m not fully over my ex, well maybe not him personally but the life I had while I was with him. I was content back then and although I wasn’t truly happy I wasn’t alone and I often think that if he reached out to me, even as just a friend, I would take it.

It’s hard to explain why I still feel like this and I know that most people around me have begun to be frustrated with me, thus making me feel lonelier as I now don’t really have anyone to talk to.

I keep thinking that eventually I will pull myself out of this and I will find myself again, life can’t always be like this as there wouldn’t be much point. I really do enjoy writing on this blog and it actually helps me so I promise no matter how down I get I will continue to make new content for this blog.

“When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell

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